nutmeg

The Mayonnaise Jar

2009-10-04T17:00:00.005-04:00

Found on a friend's blog...

The Mayonnaise Jar

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, When 24 hours in a day is not enough; remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee. A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and start to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured it into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded With an unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things - God, family,children, health, friends, and favorite passions Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the things that matter like your job, house, and car.

The sand is everything else -- The small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued,'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, You will never have room for the things that are important to you.

So...

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the dripping tap.

'Take care of the golf balls first -- The things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

'One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled. 'I'm glad you asked'.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.

'Please share this with other "Golf Balls" I just did......

Spiritual Mothering: Chapter 2

2009-10-03T23:13:00.001-04:00

This is the second post in a series of a study on the book Spiritual Mothering. It is hosted by Joanne Heim at The Simple Wife.

1. In the first short section of chapter 2, Hunt talks about the second-pivotal principle of spiritual mothering: that our life-purpose is to glorify God. The driving force of any spiritual mothering relationship is not the relationship, but God's glory. How does this alter/change/influence/affect what you've thought so far about this topic? Does it change how you perceive this kind of mentoring? If so, how?
It reminds me of the vertical relationship with God that should always be at the core of any relationship that I have.

2. Much of the chapter examines Mary. "I fear that too often we do not hold Mary up as an example, because we are overcompensating for some who have elevated her above humanity. This robs us of one of the most beautiful examples of faith found in Scripture...In Mary we do see a woman who embraced God's glory as her reason for being and translated that into her experience" (page 26). What struck you fresh about Mary's story after reading this chapter?
What struck me was that she seemed to be so filled with purpose and certainty in what she was doing for the Kingdom. Luke 2:19 has been favorite verse of mine for years, "But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart." She did not put herself in a position of authority or prestige; she submitted to God and focused on what was important.

3. Hunt made a couple of statements about Mary's response to the angel:
"This young woman handled the situation without her brain or her emotions being scrambled" (page 27).
"This was no emotional reaction but rather a deliberate and logical response based upon the character and promises of God" (page 28).
How do these statements compare to how you typically respond to something? Are you more on the side of being scrambled, or more deliberate and logical?
In my normal state of mind, I would say that I am fairly logical and relatively laid back. However, since I have bipolar disorder, I have periods of time that I am pretty emotional. I don't like that I respond so emotionally during those times but I am learning to cope with it.

How does/should having a life-purpose of glorifying God and an identity of being the Lord's servant affect our response any kind of situation?
We can trust that God is in control and will direct situations to glorify Him. That realization should calm our hearts and minds.

4. On page 32, Hunt distinguishes between confidence based on our identity in Christ and self-confidence. How do you see these as being different?
Christ never changes. He is eternal. The Bible is not based on feelings. If my identity is based in those truths, I don't have to worry about my changing emotions. Self-confidence is about trying to find equilibrium in myself and I've never been able to do that.

5. If you had to pick a sentence or a phrase from this chapter to write on your bathroom mirror to see each and every day, what would you pick? Why?
"Mary could adjust to...extremes in her life because she saw them from them the vantage point of obeying God's will, not from the perspective of her expectations or preferences."
I definitely have extremes in my life and lately I have had a tendency to look at situations from my own perspective instead of God's. This quote would be a good reminder to refocus.

Spiritual Mothering: Chapter 1

2009-09-25T22:04:00.007-04:00

I am working through the book Spiritual Mothering by Susan Hunt along with several other women via Joanne Heim's blog, The Simple Wife. To see what it's all about, click the button on the sidebar with the the book cover on it.

Hi ladies! Welcome to my blog. 'Fraid I haven't been been inspired to write/share much lately, so it's pretty sparse around here. Maybe, just maybe, I will figure out what I want to do with it by the time we are through with this study.

These are my responses to the first week's questions:

1. Susan Hunt defines spiritual mothering as this: "When a woman possessing faith and spiritual maturity enters into a nurturing relationship with a younger woman in order to encourage and equip her to live for God's glory." What stands out to you in this definition? Why? Does this seem different from a typical mentoring definition? Why, or why not?
I like the verbs "encourage, equip, & live" in the definition because they bring it to life. It's more personal & eternal in nature than someone who invests their life in anothers' for the sake of business, for example. I found this definition of mentoring online to contrast: "Mentoring is a process for the informal transmission of knowledge, social capital, and the psychosocial support perceived by the recipient as relevant to work, career, or professional development; mentoring entails informal communication, usually face-to-face and during a sustained period of time, between a person who is perceived to have greater relevant knowledge, wisdom, or experience (the mentor) and a person who is perceived to have less (the protege)" (Bozeman, Feeney, 2007).

2. Beginning on page 18, Hunt talks about our need for mothering. How do you see this need among women you know? In your own life?
I suppose everyone needs to be mothered in some way. My response to this question may seem a little off, but hopefully by answering it I will make some sense (to me at least). The word mothering is a little off-putting to me. I am independent & headstrong. I didn't like it when my mom or older sister told me what to do. My mom, I think, learned to deal with me pretty well. But I think this characteristic may have put off some women. I don't intend for it to. No one has ever spoken to me about it. But I don't have many friends right now & I can't figure out why. Do I need a mentor/spiritual mother? I believe I do. And I hope God leads me to one through this study.

3. What's something that you underlined, highlighted, circled, starred, or drew arrows to in this chapter? Why did it stand out to you?
"El Shaddai...In one name, God's attributes of might & tenderness are brought together!" (p. 12-13) Just one of the many examples of how deeply God cares about us. He desires to relate to us as a mother to her child. It humbles me & thrills me at the same time.
The development of this mothering capacity is affected by instinct & learning but is hindered by sin...The Christian woman not only has a new Pattern, she has a new Power." (p. 15) I think I still, after so many years, get hung up in the first part, the sin, & forget to move on to the Pattern & Power. Worse still, I might even wallow in pity for myself. (yuck!)

Each chapter ends with a Spiritual Mothering Challenge--an opportunity for each one of us to think a little deeper about some of the ideas in the chapter. As we go through this book together, let's each start praying for God to bring someone to us to mentor and for wisdom about who we could ask to be a mentor.

Memory Monday: Ephesians 2: 8-10

2009-09-07T13:29:00.016-04:00

I asked my 10 year old, Emily, if she wanted to work on Scripture memory with me. (She said yes!) So we are going to start with this passage:

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:8-10

Bipolar Disorder and Marriage Interview

2009-09-05T12:21:00.004-04:00

Link to an interview with Toben & Joanne Heim on Moody's Midday connection discussing bipolar disorder & marriage here. If you have trouble listening (or your computer is ornery like mine) try downloading it & using VLC player.

Toben & Joanne's blog is Our Crazy Marriage: Surviving Mental Illness in Marriage.

The Things We Leave Behind

2009-09-05T00:32:00.008-04:00

The Things We Leave Behind
Michael Card & Scott Roley

There sits Simon so foolishly wise
Proudly he's tending his nets
Then Jesus calls and the boats drift away
And all that he owns he forgets
But more than the nets he abandoned that day
He found that his pride was soon fading away
And it's hard to imagine the freedom we find
From the things we leave behind (Matt. 4:18ff)

Matthew was mindful of taking the tax
And pressing the people to pay
Hearing the call he responded in faith
And followed the Light and the Way
And leaving the people so puzzled he found
The greed in his heart was no longer around
And it's hard to imagine the freedom we find
From the things we leave behind (Mk.2:13ff)

Every heart wants to be set free
From possessions that hold it so tight
Cause freedom's not found in the things that we own
It's the power to do what is right
With Jesus, our only possession
Then giving becomes our delight
And we can't imagine the freedom we find
From the things we leave behind

We show a love for the world in our lives
Worshiping goods we possess
Jesus says lay all your treasures aside
And love God above all the rest
When we say "no" to these things of the world
We open our hearts to the love of the Lord
And it's hard to imagine the freedom we find
From the things we leave behind

Back to school!

2009-08-23T13:11:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow is the first day of school for my kiddos. Friday we went to the elementary school to meet their teachers. Em is going into 5th grade this year & will have two teachers for the first time: one for science & math, another for reading/language arts & social studies. Neither of her teachers claims to give much homework (Em is thrilled); we will see how that plays itself out. Josh is a 2nd grader this year. His teacher is very kind & structured-a good combination for him, I hope. She has individual Apple laptops for each student as a result of a grant she wrote a couple of years ago. I'm sure he will enjoy those but he was drawn to the giant shelf of books in her classroom when we went in & he didn't want to leave!

Lizzy went to pick up her schedule a couple of weeks ago. She has three of the same teachers she had last year & one other that she started out with at the beginning of the year. So she is on relatively familiar ground. She did not get her first or second choice for one of her electives so instead of Guitar or Keyboarding she is taking Technology along with Band. (An aside: The switch to the bassoon did not last. She went to two weeks of band camp & actually played quite well, but just did not like it. So the band director was kind enough to let her switch back to the clarinet. Whew!) Her other subjects are Algebra 1, Earth Science, World Geography, & Language Arts. We got a call late Friday afternoon that her original schedule had been changed due to too many kids enrolled in her block of classes. Apparently they split some of the classes into two. Only one of her teachers was changed-Algebra-but that was not one she has had before. The letdown for her was that she had already found out which of her friends was in what class, etc. Now it has all changed. Ah, middle school drama!

Now I have to get back to filling out the yearly emergency information/student information/consent for emergency care/code of conduct acknowledgment forms. (I'm sure I've left something out & I'm sure the schools will let me know what it is.) I swear there has got to be a better way than to fill out these same forms every year-sometimes twice. But what do I know, right?

Enjoying and Glorifying God

2009-08-17T22:01:00.003-04:00

"God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him."

John Piper

"The enjoyment of God is the only happiness with which our souls can be satisfied. To go to heaven, fully to enjoy God, is infinitely better than the most pleasant accommodations here. Fathers and mothers, husbands, wives, or children, or the company of earthly friends, are but shadows; but God is the substance. These are but scattered beams, but God is the sun. These are but streams. But God is the ocean."
Johnathan Edwards

Memory Monday: Romans 11:32

2009-08-16T18:25:00.006-04:00

The pastor at my church spoke from Romans 11 Sunday. He emphasized verse 32 several times. I don't think I have ever heard anyone talk about it, and I am fascinated by it.

For God has bound all men over to disobedience so that he may have mercy on them all. Romans 11:32

He read it from the New American Standard Bible, which reads this way: "For God has shut up all in disobedience so that He may show mercy to all." He made the comment that he always wanted to be able to say "shut up" in church (ha) which, of course, caught everyone's attention, including my 10 year old daughter's.

One of the reasons I want to memorize this verse is that I don't fully understand it. What I do find amazing & humbling is that God is willing to have mercy on all though his Son Jesus, even though we are disobedient in our very nature.

The years the locusts have eaten

2009-08-05T18:26:00.003-04:00

I was reading a comment on a blog earlier today about someone who had found a long-lost relative. While I was trying to formulate some sort of coherent reply, I thought about Joel 2:25

I will restore to you the years
that the swarming locust has eaten,
the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter,
my great army, which I sent among you.

Earlier in my life, someone told me that God wanted to "restore the years the locusts had eaten," regarding a situation in my life. The thing is, I never went back & read the rest of the book of Joel.

The name of the book means "Jehovah is God". And in this book the people of God are being attacked not only by forces of nature (locusts, drought) but also by enemies--armies from other lands. These things were not brought on by anything that they, themselves, had done as far as I can tell. The purpose of the book of Joel seems to be to call God's people to repentance. True, honest, turning back to the God who made them.

So where does that leave restoration? Well, when I looked at the surrounding verses of Joel 2:25, I saw that once the people return to God, He "will remove the northerner far from you, and drive him into a parched and desolate land," (v. 20); that "the pastures of the wilderness are green; the tree bears its fruit; the fig tree and vine give their full yield." (v. 22)

What have I been missing all this time? I believe that I have been expecting God to redeem parts of my life that were not beautiful with little to no effort on my part. Never mind whether the years I did not like were my fault or not. What he wants from me is daily repentance.

“Yet even now,” declares the Lord,
“return to me with all your heart,
with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning;
and rend your hearts and not your garments.”
Return to the Lord your God,
for he is gracious and merciful,
slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love;
and he relents over disaster. Joel 2:12-13

Life is life

2009-07-29T08:19:00.009-04:00

I haven't written here in forever and, to be honest, I am not sure what to write about. Life is just life these days.
So here are a few pics I took on an impulse trip to the beach the other day. Hopefully I will be back on here sooner again rather than later.

Big Idea(s)...linking love!

2009-07-08T08:26:00.009-04:00

Good morning! I have some links to share:

Jason Gray is releasing a new CD in September, but you can listen to some of the new songs (for free!) on facebook or on myspace in the meantime. I am loving these tracks so much!

I read this post at the blog Holy Experience & was so moved...it spoke volumes to me. Actually much of what Ann Voskamp writes at that site is just amazing, so prepare to stay awhile...

Totally unrelated {as if the last 2 were related ;)} my kids were watching a Veggie Tales DVD the other day & they decided to play a game in the activity section afterwards. I couldn't find the exact game we played (it was on the Sheerluck Holmes DVD & if I tried to explain it you would probably be totally confused!) but I did find this link on the Big Idea site with lots of family activities. There are some for one parent, one child & others for large groups. Regardless, have fun, and explore the rest of the Big Idea site. There is a ton of stuff there!

Happy Wednesday!

Memory Monday: Review

2009-06-30T02:38:00.009-04:00

It has been over a month since I memorized this verse:

Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a right spirit within me.
Psalm 51:10

Where has the time gone?

Instead of a new verse, I am going to go back over the nine passages I have committed to memory so far. I want to make sure that I truly store the word in my heart (Ps. 119:11).

Also, I found this bit by John Piper that I think may help me in my review: How do you memorize Scripture?

June 27, 1992

2009-06-27T00:00:00.002-04:00

It's been 17 years...

...since that day in North Carolina.

Neither of us still has our original ring. ;)

But we've made it this far, by God's grace.

I love you, my hero.

The search continues...

2009-06-21T01:26:00.003-04:00

I found another great post referencing 2 Corinthians 12. This one refers to verses 7-9:

a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

The blog is He will Carry Me & is a lovely testimony of a woman who has dealt with the loss of a child during pregnancy. The title of this particular post is "When God Said No". I have tried a couple of times to summarize it, but her words are so beautiful. You should just go read it.

MOSH, Landing & a Bassoon

2009-06-14T03:29:00.004-04:00

My mother-in-law & I took my younger 2 kiddos to Jacksonville to MOSH--The Museum of Science & History--the other day & then rode the water taxi across the St. John's River to The Jacksonville Landing. Along the way I took a few pics with my handy-dandy camera phone & thought I would share them.

Why, you ask, was my lovely oldest daughter not along for the ride? She was at school, having her first lesson learning to play this:

For the life of me, I cannot think of a clever comment. Yeah.

My bipolar 2 Story

2009-06-12T23:16:00.004-04:00

I keep thinking I should write a post about how I came to be diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder. It's rather a long & involved story so I will try to give the abridged version.

Toward the end of college, I found myself tired & depressed. I went to 3 different doctors. The first one thought I might have fybromyalgia & prescribed Prozac. The second said my problem was hypoglycemia & changed my diet. The third (a psychiatrist) diagnosed me with major depressive disorder & continued the Prozac. Some adjustments were made in the levels I took in the next few years. I also got married. But eventually the medicine didn't seem to make a difference anymore. I was able to go through pregnancy with my first daughter without taking medication & did surprisingly well. I even nursed her for 9 months afterward. When I was ready to go back on medication my doctor put me on a new antidepressant. It seemed to make a difference. It showed that my body's chemistry was adjusting, to some extent, to the chemicals that were being added to it. I guess that makes sense. Anyway.

I had another daughter 2 years later. Again I was able to go through the pregnancy & able to nurse her without having to worry about taking meds. I was again changed to a different medication because the one I was taking before pregnancy didn't seem sufficient. I was more than beginning to suspect that there was more to my diagnosis than just plain ol' depression. But I had moved 7 times (my husband was in the military) since my original diagnosis & nailing things down was tough. Plus my priority was my 2 babies.

We were in Germany in 2001 & pregnant with our son when the planes crashed into the WTC. My husband had to be on 24-hr duty much of the time for the next few months & I had a much harder time with that pregnancy. I ended being placed on a mild antidepressant for the duration as well as having gestational diabetes. He had a few complications at birth: induction, c-section, low O2 sats, a stay in Kinderintensivstation, none of which was fully explained by anything. (By the way, he is now a perfectly healthy & happy 7 year old!)

My psychiatrist in Germany at Landstuhl agreed to have me tested for ADD because I felt that depression alone just didn't explain what was wrong with me. The doctor who did the analysis concluded that while it was possible, I had too much acquired knowledge for someone who had ADD. (Read: he thought I was too smart.) While I didn't necessarily agree with the smart part, I figured I needed to keep searching. My psychiatrist said she believed what I had was more along the lines of dysthymia. She prescribed Wellbutrin, which is a med I have pretty much stayed on since.

When we moved back to the States, I tried going back on Prozac, since that was the first med I had success on. Kind of like my first love, I think. But to no avail. I looked up lots of stuff online. All my symptoms. Found that my depression is atypical. Also started to run across something called bipolar 2 disorder. Now I knew that I could be moody. But I also knew that I had never been full-blown manic. I had definitely had periods of time when I had amazing energy that I wished would last longer, ideas for projects that I couldn't seem to finish, nights that I could not sleep because of the thoughts that were going though my head. But then I would crash & sleep for hours. And feel, quite honestly, like crap.

So I eventually talked to my ob/gyn about the possibility of this being what I had. At the time, we were at Ft. Campbell & it was nigh on impossible to get in to see a psychiatrist because (I assume) of all the deployments to Iraq, etc. I was quite comfortable with talking to my ob/gyn & he agreed with me that BP2 was a possibility. At the time, he put me on Topamax, an anticonvulsant which is used off-label for bipolar disorder. I also continued taking Wellbutrin.

I wish I could say that I have made a miraculous recovery. I felt much better for a while; then my father-in-law passed away suddenly in 2005. My husband chose to leave the military & we moved to FL to live near his mom. It took some time to get medical insurance & in the meantime the state would not pay for Topamax. As a single month's worth of the drug costs hundreds of dollars, I was forced to take lithium for a couple of years. When that drug caused my thyroid to malfunction, I tried Depakote. I only took that one for a month before I finally gave up on my psychiatric provider in favor of a family doctor who was willing to (after nearly 4 years) put me back on Topamax. Sometimes you just have to go with your gut instincts, I think.

I will say this: It is not uncommon for a diagnosis of bipolar disorder to take 10 years for one reason or another. My little story above was from 1988 to 2004. I hope that the more people know about the disorder, the less time it takes for a diagnosis.

If you would like to ask any questions about my experiences, please feel free to email me. My address is in my profile. Just click on the picture of the beach in my sidebar!

Growth: The inevitable?

2009-06-08T07:47:00.010-04:00

Yesterday was my kids' last day of school for the year. **silence**

I am not entirely sure how I feel about this day yet. You see, I am not the mom who cries when her children leave for their first day of school. And it's not because I am glad to get rid of them (okay, maybe a tiny bit ;). I am genuinely amazed to watch my children grow. It is a process that I enjoy.

At the beginning of this school year, my 6th grader was contemplating the merits of the various instruments in the Beginning Band. Now she has progressed through the first year of playing the clarinet to the point that her band director is allowing her to switch to the bassoon, a much more complicated instrument, this summer & into the next school year. That, my friends, is a lot of growth.

Over the last 3 years, my 4th grader has gone from being a shy child who was afraid to talk to adults to her teacher's biggest helper. And my son, in just the past couple of months, has finally begun enjoying participating in his P.E. class without melting down when things don't go "his way".

To be honest, I still get a kick out of learning myself. I have an unrealized dream of going to med school. Because of my persistent health issues I finished my degree in math & left things there. But I never leave a question unanswered. I can't decide if that is a good thing or a major annoyance to everyone around me. :)

But isn't this what God intends for each of us all through our lives? He doesn't hold us back, hoping that we will stay young & cute forever. He allows us to grow, to learn, even to hurt. All with the intent of becoming more like Him.
I like how Paul counsels Timothy in I Tim. 4:6-16

If you put these things before the brothers, you will be a good servant of Christ Jesus, being trained in the words of the faith and of the good doctrine that you have followed. Have nothing to do with irreverent, silly myths. Rather train yourself for godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come. The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance. For to this end we toil and strive, because we have our hope set on the living God, who is the Savior of all people, especially of those who believe.

Command and teach these things. Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity. Until I come, devote yourself to the public reading of Scripture, to exhortation, to teaching. Do not neglect the gift you have, which was given you by prophecy when the council of elders laid their hands on you. Practice these things, immerse yourself in them, so that all may see your progress. Keep a close watch on yourself and on the teaching. Persist in this, for by so doing you will save both yourself and your hearers.

Timothy's gift was in leading the Church. But the same encouragement applies to us all: Train yourself in sound doctrine, i.e., Scripture. Set your hope on the living God. Set an example for all believers regardless of your age. Pursue your spiritual gifts. Growth will follow.

Mocha Club

2009-06-02T17:12:00.008-04:00

One of my favorite bloggers, Annie, is in South Africa working with MochaClub.com. The reason for the trip? In Annie's words,

Most of our work will be in the township, Khayelitsha, outside of Cape Town. We will be constructing a Preschool Center/Sunday School for the mothers in the area who cannot afford to stay home with their children. This will allow the mothers to earn a living while having quality, free childcare for their children. We will also be spending time at the Living Hope Community Centre, which supports those infected with and affected by HIV/AIDS and Learn to Earn, a job-training program.

Annie is an amazing writer who can transport you with her words & help you feel right along with her. And the work the team is doing is phenomenal. Check it out. You can click on the button below or in the sidebar.

In control? Not so much...

2009-05-31T23:20:00.003-04:00

I just got through reading Scotty Smith's blog post from May 29. He talks about people like me: People who think they are self-sufficient; who don't need or want others' help. About "minimizing the possibility of disappointment and staying in control of my heart as much as possible." Oh, so true. But then he points out that Jesus was willing to wash his disciples' feet. That it is a picture of His being willing to wash away our fears & insecurities as well as our so-called "self-sufficiency." How we need to be willing to surrender to Him where we are. And that if we don't, we really don't understand why He came. Good stuff...just what I needed.

What to do?

2009-05-23T09:00:00.003-04:00

I'm in a dilemma. My job is drying up up & I may be forced to take a unpaid leave for the summer. Or longer. The kids, obviously, are about to be out of school so it would be inadvisable for me to go to work just to pay for 3 summer camp expenses. However, we cannot pay all our bills solely on what my husband makes. I need to find some way to make up for the difference. Working from home has been such a blessing given my health situation. To me, another on line job would be ideal. But I am open to whatever God would have for me.
So I don't really know what to pursue. Don't know what doors to knock on. I have no clear direction. Which is a hard place for me to be. Seems like I've been here a lot lately...

We got RAIN! and other stuff...

2009-05-19T10:41:00.007-04:00

All sorts of stuff swimming around in my world:

**RAIN!!! Lots of it! I am so grateful! We have been inundated with the wet stuff for the past couple of days & it is supposed to last a few more. Thanks for praying.

**Medicine change. I went to see a new family doctor for a new Rx for Mirapex for restless legs syndrome (RLS) & asked him if he could recommend a psychiatrist for bipolar 2 disorder. As I have found, he told be there just aren't any in this county. BUT, he said (after I sort of suggested the idea) that he could follow me & prescribe my meds as long as I am doing well. AND.....he put me right back where I was in 2005 when I moved down here. If that sounds bad, it's not. He put me on the meds I was being successful on in KY in 2005 that when I moved to FL no doctor wanted to prescribe. For the past 3.5 years I have taken combinations of other meds that various practitioners felt were a better idea when I was perfectly fine. (Well, maybe not perfectly, but good for me.) Go figure. So now I am taking Topamax & Wellbutrin. Now to lose all the extra weight from all the Lithium & Depakote. Yuck.

**Memory Monday. On Tuesday.

A couple of weeks ago this was the passage I memorized: May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorius might, for all endurance & patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. Col. 1:11-12

New passage for me this week is Psalm 51:10

Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a right spirit within me.

**My favorite blogger is back after a hiatus. Just thought I'd throw that in there. (Hi Annie!)

**Anyone want to get in touch with me? Just email me! My address is in my profile in the sidebar. Thanks.

Fires

2009-05-12T11:30:00.001-04:00

We have not had rain in approximately 20 days in this area. Yesterday I was out running errands & saw a helicopter that looked like a fire helicopter so I pulled over & took a picture with my camera phone. (Not the best image; I don't have an iPhone or anything fancy like that. But whatever.) I checked on the local radio news station & there was a fire southeast of us. Did not threaten any homes but knocked out electricity & closed part of a highway. When I got home later I found out there were fires in 2 other counties yesterday. One was sparked by lightning. While it is great to finally get some rain in the form of thunder storms, the lightning does brings the danger of starting fires this time of the year. The county I live in was devastated by a fire back in the late 90's & the effects can still be seen today. There are many areas where trees are all one height because everything was burned to the ground. A few places you can still see scorched-looking trees rising above brush. The house we live in has one 6-foot crepe myrtle & a 7- to 8-foot scrub oak in the back yard. Nothing in this area is any taller than that unless it was planted.
So. Please pray for rain for us. And for safety for our fire fighters. And also for those who might be affected by the smoke, because people who have asthma, chronic bronchitis, etc., suffer through these fires as well.
A quick note: I disabled comments for my own good. If you would like to contact me go over to my profile to find my email. Thanks!

Never the right words

2009-05-06T01:29:00.004-04:00

I wish I were eloquent. I am not. I fumble for words. I try to express myself, only to feel like I have come off like a fool. But that doesn't mean I don't have a need to communicate my feelings. I am hurt. I am ruined emotionally. For years I have struggled to allow God's grace to be my strength, but I don't think I do. I do not understand why the depression I have resists treatment. Is it my fault? Am I doing something wrong? Why can't I stay in a place that I feel safe to be myself? And why does that sound so ridiculous? Where are the words to explain what I feel? Guess that's why I go to Scripture. It's not a head trip for me. It is the only thing that is constant in my life. Even when God doesn't seem real, His Word IS. And though I want answers to my problems right here, right now & I want a solution to make me normal, I know that everything, every answer is there.

Thus says the Lord:
“The people who survived the sword
found grace in the wilderness;
when Israel sought for rest,
the Lord appeared to him from far away.
I have loved you with an everlasting love;
therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.
Jeremiah 31:2-3

How God Uses Suffering--John MacArthur

2009-04-28T22:40:00.012-04:00

In pursuit of really understanding a passage of the Bible I have been researching 2 Corinthians 12, particularly verses 9 & 10.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Here is my latest "find" from a message by John MacArthur published on Grace to You:

Through the suffering and the terrible depression and sorrow of unfulfillment and broken heartedness in which Paul was literally being shaped, he learned five great lessons:

~God uses suffering to reveal our spiritual condition.
~God taught Paul that He uses suffering to humble us.
~God uses suffering to draw us to Himself.
~God uses suffering to perfect His power.
~God uses suffering to display His grace.

And so God says I'm not going to remove that [the thorn], the process isn't over, but what I am going to do is increase the grace so that you can endure it.
...you're never going to know the exhilaration of it [the sufficiency of grace] and you're never going to know the thrill of it unless you can just rest in the suffering and let God pour out the grace. And you find yourself singing at the strangest places and times and you'll find a peace in your heart that knows no explanation and you find a joy that's disconnected from your circumstances because this grace is an energy that transforms. It's not in itself a static gift. Grace is an energy that chooses you. It's an energy of being flooded with blessing from God that alters your thinking...changes you, transforms you.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The last bit is what spoke to me the most. I have no desire to rest in the suffering. I don't want to suffer at all. But I have experienced that energy called grace from God in difficult times & I want to exist there. Always. And if that means suffering, well, I need to learn to be there. To trust God way more than I do when I hurt. To run to Him when I am disappointed. Even in Him.

{Other links to my little project are in the sidebar.}

Compassion India

2009-04-28T09:53:00.006-04:00

Compassion International has a group of bloggers in India--in and around Kolkata (Calcutta)--to see and write about the ministry's work. They left on April 24th will return May 3rd. This is the third trip of this sort.

I have been more than blessed in the last couple of days reading their posts & viewing their pictures & videos.

If you click on the Compassion button on the left sidebar (or here), you can link to any of these blogs. I will warn you, though, you may need a tissue when you read some of these posts. It is a very honest & poignant look into these childrens' lives.

I've always loved Erma Bombeck

2009-04-24T05:34:00.002-04:00

I read this quote on someone else's site. I love it. It characterizes my family well & keeps me from feeling like we're, well, strange.

The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together. ~Erma Bombeck

Duck!

2009-04-23T04:52:00.003-04:00

I'm not quite sure what God's trying to tell me...

Saturday my son got hit in the nose with a softball at the ball park & bled for what seemed like forever. He was thoughtful enough to run into the restroom and bleed into the sink. I might have just sat down on the sidewalk if it had been me...

Speaking of which, I was playing catch in the back yard with my oldest daughter yesterday & guess what? I got hit in the head. Hard. That girl can throw. Maybe I shouldn't have told her to lay off her throws. Maybe I shouldn't have switched places with her so she wouldn't have to be looking into the sun.

Maybe God is telling me to DUCK!

Easter 2009

2009-04-17T04:19:00.001-04:00

I just got to down/up load these pics from my mil's camera yesterday. I think it was worth the wait!

Psych Check-in: You know you are curious

2009-04-14T23:51:00.005-04:00

I went to my psych provider Friday & had my first meeting with my counselor. I had gained 6 pounds in 4 weeks; no shock to me. I was surprised it wasn't more, honestly. I am miserable, physically, with all the extra weight on my body. I am not sleeping well, either, which is an ongoing problem of mine. So in addition to the mood stabilizer that I have been on for the past month, I was put back on Topamax during the day & Trazodone at night. Also, I was told to take the mood stabilizer only at night. And exercise more. And eat less. Riiiight.

The counseling appointment was interesting; I haven't done that in a few years. I find that I run out of things to work on as do the counselors. She said we will set up goals, etc., but I felt comfortable with her. Good news for me 'cause I can't force talking about things if I'm not. Comfortable, that is.

I'm still working on a post (I think that that's what it is, anyway...) about my journey as to how I got here. Trouble is, I'm thinking it is going to be too much for a post, so I am trying to come up with something creative to do with it. Anyone? Seriously?

My daughters would tell me that I need introductory & concluding paragraphs to this post. I don't have it in me. I can't even make it without spell check tonight. So goodnight, y'all!

True Randomness

2009-04-14T09:46:00.004-04:00

It is the Tuesday of Spring break 2009 & it is pouring outside. And we are under a tornado warning for another 4 hours or so. Just looked outside & saw grape-sized hail. Guess we are staying inside today. Ya think?

Today is a very sad day. I wish I could tell why but it is not my story to tell though it affects my family deeply. Perhaps someday. God, be merciful.

I have to actually get on line & file taxes today. Not a big deal, since life is pretty simple for us, but I have ~~never~~ not waited until the last moment like this in YEARS!!!! Then it is on to my on line job. Thank goodness my husband is home today to (ahem) entertain the kids!

Cheers!

Memory Monday: Psalm 82:3-5

2009-04-13T20:49:00.004-04:00

From "The Simple Wife" blog: Each Monday my goal is to pick a verse or passage to memorize for the upcoming week. And the next Monday, I'll type it out BY MEMORY and choose another one.

My verse from last week:

Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you
and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you.
For the Lord is a God of justice;
blessed are those who wait for him.
Is. 30:18

This week I am going to work on Psalm 82:3-5

Give justice to the weak and the fatherless;
maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute.
Rescue the weak and the needy;
deliver them from the hand of the wicked.”

They have neither knowledge nor understanding,
they walk about in darkness;
all the foundations of the earth are shaken.

If you are so inclined, please pray for me this week as my kids are on Spring Break & we have big stuff going on in my extended family. Thanks!

Man of Sorrows! What a Name

2009-04-11T20:24:00.003-04:00

Man of Sorrows! what a name
for the Son of God, who came
ruined sinners to reclaim:
Hallelujah! what a Savior!

Bearing shame and scoffing rude,
in my place condemned he stood,
sealed my pardon with his blood:
Hallelujah! what a Savior!

Guilty, vile, and helpless, we;
spotless Lamb of God was he;
full atonement! can it be?
Hallelujah! what a Savior!

Lifted up was he to die,
"It is finished!" was his cry;
now in heav'n exalted high:
Hallelujah! what a Savior!

When he comes, our glorious King,
all his ransomed home to bring,
then anew this song we'll sing:
Hallelujah! what a Savior!

Philip P. Bass, 1875

Softball: Revisited

2009-04-09T01:15:00.004-04:00

So, my daughter had a softball game this evening that I was unable to go to seeing as I nearly passed out in the driveway while I was talking to my mother-in-law earlier today. Thank goodness my husband didn't have to work tonight & he could take her. To be honest, I was unsure about going at all. She likes for me to go out & practice with her but has recently become a bit hard to communicate with when she gets frustrated while practicing. {Hard to communicate with = "I am doing it the right way & it still doesn't work!" while running inside & throwing herself on the couch. Have I mentioned she's 12?} And I wasn't sure how tonight would go if I were there with her. Anyway.

They got home from the game & all had gone well. She pitched an inning with good results, played outfield & played catcher. Plus, she was in a good mood. Oh, and they won. The best part for me? Her dad was able to talk to her about the very things that I have tried to communicate to her & she didn't freak out. Guess it is nice to have another perspective. Not sure that Mom's will ever be one that is acceptable. But I don't plan to stop being a source of advice. {grin}

Weakness

2009-04-07T03:23:00.004-04:00

Pruning...one of my favorite analogies. I enjoy pruning my plants & then seeing what happens during the growing season. But I don't necessarily get it in my life. I have lots of pain from the past & it still affects my relationships today. I wonder what God was thinking to give me the desires of my heart to only let them lead to hurt. Sounds so odd to say that. My middle daughter had her 10th birthday Sunday & I kept thinking about Angie & so many others who don't have their children with them. And I wonder about my own little one in Heaven of whom I only saw the tiniest of heartbeats. I want to happy for my children. I want to have joy for my husband. For my God. For myself. But I also want to accept His will for my life.

Where is the redemption? Why so many residual effects? Why is it so hard....

A very long time ago an amazing friend shared the following Scripture with me. I have to admit I didn't get it. But I knew it was important for my life. I am still trying to wrap my head & heart around this passage. I pray that one day, I will understand it better than I do today. To that end, I have started a listing of online references to these verses on my sidebar. And anytime I find something that adds to my understanding, I add it.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I want to share the words to a song by Jason Gray preceded by his note about the song:

"As a stutterer, I begged God for years to heal me. And though I still stutter, I still believe He heals – even if it’s not in the way we might hope for. Instead of healing my disability it seems God has chosen to heal others through it, showing His strength through my weakness time and time again. Over the years I’ve found that my stutter was the least of my disabilities. I am weak and have many broken places, and God’s mercy shines through them all. If we believe that God is strong in our weakness, why are we always determined to be so strong?"

"Weak"

I was afraid to be weak
Afraid to be me
I was afraid
Because I didn’t want them to see
What’s broken in me

But I guess I was wrong
I should’ve known all along
When I’m weak You are strong in me

You make up what I lack
You shine through the cracks
Where I was shattered
Because You pour out Your grace
Through my broken places

CHORUS

So I won’t be afraid to cry
To confess or question why
I won’t hide the pain I feel
Now I know these wounds are how you heal
No I won’t be afraid to cry
I don’t want to live a lie
They will see Your love is real
When I let You use my wounds to heal
These wounds are how You heal
You can use these wounds to heal

If they’re afraid I stand too tall
They’ll tear down the bridges and build a wall
But if they see I stumble the walls may crumble down

I was wrong
I don’t have to be strong
I didn’t want to believe
But now I finally see
My deepest point of need
Is the better part of me
`Cause when I’m weak You are strong in me

Memory Monday: Isaiah 30:18

2009-04-06T23:35:00.002-04:00

Be still before the Lord & wait patiently for Him;
fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way,
Over the one who carries out evil devices!

Refrain from anger, & forsake wrath!
Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.
For the evildoers shall be cut off,
but those who wait for the Lord shall inherit the land.
Ps. 37:7-9

The portion in italics is what truly spoke to me this week. Because when I dwell on things that bother me about other people, I tend to become negative. I really need to learn how to protect myself & my children without that happening. I have, in the past been able to "Be still before the Lord." But when others are involved, I tend to try to take the reins from God.

I found this verse to continue my "learning curve":

Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you,
and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you.
For the Lord is a God of justice;
blessed are all those who wait for him.
Isaiah 30:18

Nothing More to Say--Andrew Peterson

2009-04-03T20:32:00.004-04:00

I want to have something witty or profound to say. But I don't. It's Friday & I'm tired. And I will be at the ball field all afternoon tomorrow for pictures & games.

This song has quite the appropriate title:

Nothing More to Say
Andrew Peterson

Enjoy. And have a nice weekend!

The True Constant

2009-03-31T12:42:00.003-04:00

It is so hard to listen to what others think & not be affected by it. I think it is part of our humanity. I just read a post that reminded me once again how vitally important it is for me to identify with Christ & the love that the Father showed to Him while he was on this earth. Can't say I am that good at it yet, but I try to recall it as often as possible.

Having bipolar II disorder doesn't help. My moods tend to change without warning & IT IS HARD! Doctors & meds help, friends & family help, but God is the only true constant in my life. Period.

Memory Monday: Psalm 37:7-9

2009-03-30T11:48:00.004-04:00

Remember this, & stand firm,
recall it to mind, you transgressors,
remember the former things of old;
for I am God & there is no other;
I am God & there is none like me,
declaring the end from the beginning
& from ancient times things not yet done,
saying, 'My counsel shall stand
& I will accomplish all my purpose,'
calling a bird of prey from the east,
the man of my counsel from a far country.
I have spoken & I will bring it to pass;
I have purposed & I will do it.
Isaiah 46:8-11

Okay, I am struggling with some issues surrounding my kids & how deal with my emotions when it comes to them. I guess you could say I am having to figure out how much to manage their lives & how much to let them experience life on their own. So I decided on a very familiar passage that has had meaning in my life in other ways. I know it applies now as well.

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;
fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way,
over the man who carries out evil devices!

Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath!
Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.
For the evildoers shall be cut off,
but those who wait for the Lord shall inherit the land.
Psalm 37:7-9

Have a great week!

Be Blessed

2009-03-29T00:03:00.004-04:00

I had the extreme privilege of sitting under the teaching of Dr. Ligon Duncan back in the early 90s. I met him when he was an associate pastor in a church I went to during/after college. I went to a memorable retreat at which he spoke about "Our Trinitarian Salvation." Sound deep? It was. He also taught the Evangelism Explosion class I attended at the same church.

He is now senior pastor at First Presbyterian Church in Jackson, MS & a noted theologian. He has lots of credentials, but what stands out to me is his evident love for God. You can hear it when he speaks.

I just listened to a message he gave on 3/22/09 from Luke 3:21 entitled "Jesus's Baptism." He poses three questions:
1) Do you think that it would be a help to you in your Christian life to know how much Jesus is for you in your struggle against sin?
2) Do you think it might help you in the Christian life if you wanted to pray more, and you were more disciplined in the way that you talked with your heavenly Father?
3) Do you think that it might help in your Christian life to know how much your heavenly Father loves you?

I encourage you to listen to his message. The podcast can be found here and the transcript here.

What I came away with was that because Jesus in his baptism identified himself with us, his heavenly Father's love for Him is gifted to us if we identify ourselves with Jesus in salvation. God the Father lets Jesus know that, "I delight in you, I love you, & all of my affection is for you." And if we have experienced salvation, then the heavenly father does not love you less than he loves Jesus. Don't believe it? Look at the cross. It is a display of the costly, extravagant love that the Father has for us.

Dr. Duncan ends with this:

And I want to ask, my friends, would it make a difference in the Christian life if you knew that truth? Yes, it would. Because if you really have tasted and seen that the Lord is good and if you really know that His lovingkindness is better than life, then there is nothing in this world that anyone can take away from you that matters, because you’ve already tasted the best thing there is. Jesus’ baptism is there to say to you, ‘Sinner, you trust in Him and there’s no sin He can’t take away. And, sinner, you trust in Him and He will give you a taste of the depths of the Father’s love; and once you drink of that, nothing else matters.’

Amen.

Birthday!

2009-03-28T02:58:00.004-04:00

Thursday was my son's birthday. Enjoy (if you will) a few pics from his growing up. He was born in Wiesbaden, Germany, and spent the first week of his life in Kinderintinsivstation (NICU). He has since lived in KY & FL. If I had been able to figure it out, I would have had "Indiana Jones" music playing along with the slides. He sings it ALL. THE. TIME. And I love him to pieces.

My Health

2009-03-26T00:34:00.006-04:00

I have in the works a post about my 'health story'. It is becoming fairly long, I must say. At this point, though, I feel the need to let y'all know that I am having trouble with depression because I need support. I have been diagnosed with bipolar II disorder & am in the process of my medication being changed. I won't go into detail now (more to come, I'm sure) but I have had some pretty bad moments in the last few days. My biggest concern right now is about my relationships. I never seem to know how much to share & what other people can handle knowing. It becomes a burden on me that I find difficult to bear.

Anyway, I knew that I would bring this issue up eventually. I was hoping to start at the beginning. Looks like I'm starting at the end.

Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.
Psalm 139:7-12

Thanks for reading!

Memory Monday: Isaiah 46:8-11

2009-03-23T22:13:00.003-04:00

I didn't forget about Memory Monday. I have had a long day & God found my verses for me.

First, last week's verse:

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23

As I have prayed for Stellan today & while reading mckmama's blog post, I was reminded of this passage:

“Remember this and stand firm,
recall it to mind, you transgressors,
remember the former things of old;
for I am God, and there is no other;
I am God, and there is none like me,
declaring the end from the beginning
and from ancient times things not yet done,
saying, ‘My counsel shall stand,
and I will accomplish all my purpose,’
calling a bird of prey from the east,
the man of my counsel from a far country.
I have spoken, and I will bring it to pass;
I have purposed, and I will do it.
Isaiah 46:8-11

I am all about God being able to do whatever He desires in our lives. But I was reminded today that He will accomplish His purposes. He can do it with or without us. For whatever reason, though, He often does use us. Not an easy thing to think of, though, when your baby is involved.

Please pray for Stellan & his family .

Not Me! Monday...of Raisin Bread & Head Lice

2009-03-23T01:04:00.018-04:00

UPDATE:

Please pray for mckmama's baby, Stellan. It's a long story if you don't already know about him, but right now he is in the hospital with SVTs (heart problems) and hasn't responded well to treatment yet. See this post. The whole story of his life thus far is here. Also, Angie Smith of Bring the Rain has posted about the situation here.

Please pray!

Yep, I'm joining in this week. Mckmama at my charming kids has a weekly blog about the things that absolutely could never have happened to any of us (as if you didn't know)! I haven't posted a "Not Me!" before. Tried once, but it sounded too contrived. But Sun evening turned into one one those times you just don't want to admit happened...

I absolutely did not mis-measure the salt when I was making cinnamon raisin bread for my son. And I did not try to salvage said bread by scooping some of the salt out. There is no way I went ahead & baked the bread & found out later that I didn't get enough salt out. Not Me!

When one of my daughters got out of the shower Sun, there is no way she said, "Mom, I have bugs on my head." And she certainly did not have a case of head lice. I did not search the internet for home remedies since my son was already in bed & my husband was working. There's no way I could have had the ingredients in my house to treat her head. 'Cause that would have been too easy! I did not attempt to spray mouthwash & rub massage oil on her head to get rid of the little critters. And I didn't call my sister-in-law to find out if she had any ideas. I also did not call my husband at work to let him know the happy news. And he didn't call his mom, who absolutely never would go to the drug store & buy not one, but two kits of 'get rid of the lice' kits. And you know I did not subsequently stay up until all hours combing & washing my daughter's hair as well as running 3 loads of laundry. Nope, Not Me!

Click on the button above to find out what everyone else has not been up to this week!

Ultimate Blog Party 2009

2009-03-21T00:52:00.003-04:00

The Ultimate Blog Party is about building online friendships.

It’s simple to join the fun and lots of ways you can get involved — from simply reading this post, to publishing your own party post on your blog and signing one of the Mr. Linky link lists at 5minutesformom.

I am a work-at-home, stay-at-home mom to three kids. I work part time via internet for a supplemental education company. My favorite subject? Algebra! I know, I know, y'all think I'm nuts, but somebody has to like it. My kids are 12, nearly 10, & almost 7. (Like, in 5 days. Still not sure if we're going to manage a party...) I have been married for 16+ years to a very patient man I met in college. He was in the Army for nearly 15 years & is a hero to me. Call me crazy, but I miss the military lifestyle. We now live in FL, close to the beach & close to my husband's family.

I have only been blogging since the end of Jan. 2009 & am still finding my way around. I am not a writer; more of an observer. I also enjoy doing research & finding out as much as I can about subjects that interest me. When I was younger, I loved spending time in the library, pulling books off the shelves & reading them right there, in the stacks. The internet has put so much info at my fingertips that I find myself having to call it quits so that I won't stay up all night. Or worse, end up neglecting the people in my life.

There is a lot more to tell about myself but I don't want to ramble. Plus, I have not yet decided how far into the sharing department I want to go. A little scary to put one's life out into cyber-world, no? Also, I have few pics because I don't currently have a digital camera. Most of what is posted is from my camera phone. ;)

I hope to meet some new friends through this party. Please check out some of my links. No promotions, just people & things I enjoy.

Have a great week!

Softball...or maybe not

2009-03-19T02:55:00.006-04:00

My heart is hurting for my daughter. I thought by now I would be over these feelings after...let's see, 7 hours, but I'm not.

You see, my 12 year old plays softball & has since 3rd grade. Often, she has been able to play on her aunt's team, who is, by the way, a fabulous coach. But this season her aunt isn't coaching. So we decided to give Little League a try. Partially because they offered free registration this season & partially because the field is 3 miles from our house. Otherwise, she might not have been able to plat at all. Most of the girls she has played with every other season are either playing travel ball or on the rec league.

The problem that has arisen is that she is playing with some girls who think they know everything there is to know about playing softball. Even though they have not played before. To be fair it isn't everyone on her team that acts that way. But the girls who do are IN YOUR FACE about it. Or should I say, in my daughter's face. And, as my daughter said after tonight's game, "A few bad apples spoil the whole barrel."

I am not saying my child is an amazing player. She is good. She is willing to play whatever position the coach asks her to play. She generally has a good attitude. But she is trying to pitch this season for the first time & is getting flak FROM HER OWN TEAM MEMBERS when she struggles. She also tries to get the girls cheering in the dugout. (If you have ever been to a girl's softball game, you know they like to cheer.) But they even fight over cheers. "I know, you don't." And my daughter's heart hurts. Which really stinks.

I have never, NEVER let any of my children give up anything they started if they asked & agreed to participate in it. But after Wed night's game & a conversation with my daughter I am re-evaluating that stance. Is it really worth it when your child is unhappy because of the way she is being treated? Should I shield her from this meanness?

God, help me to make the right decision for my child.

Goal: Matthew before Easter (with a little Andrew Peterson)

2009-03-17T12:04:00.004-04:00

So I saw a tweet go by yesterday from brandiandboys that intrigued me:

"Matthew 1, here I come!!!" with a link to 28 Day Challenge | WithoutWax.tv by Pete Wilson.

I clicked over & read this:

One of the the obvious patterns of Jesus’s life was time with God. Over and over again in the Gospels we see where Jesus would “withdraw” to be alone with his Father. And this pattern while repeated over and over by Jesus has been missing in my life as of late.
I bet I’m not alone. So here comes the 28 day challenge. I noticed there just happens to be 28 days between now and Easter. There also happens to be 28 chapters in the book of Matthew. What if we committed together to just read one chapter a day?

I am so in! I read chapter 1 this morning & was instantly reminded of Andrew Peterson's song, "The Ballad of Matthew's Begats." Check it out:

Memory Monday: Proverbs 4:23

2009-03-16T22:07:00.004-04:00

It's Memory Monday! If you want to join in, click on the button below for all the details!

Last week's passage:

Thus says the Lord: "Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands & knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, & righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord. Jeremiah 9:23-24

This week I didn't decide on a passage until I read this post on Annie Blogs (She's one of my favorite bloggers!) So, I am going to memorize Proverbs 4:23

Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.

Now, I am not where Annie is in her life; I am married (for 16+ years) & have 3 children. But I think that at this point in my life, I need to guard my heart with regard to meeting new people. I have a tendency to spill too much, too soon at times. Then I wonder why I don't have any friends...something I probably need to meditate on.

Dancing Barefoot--Getting to know You

2009-03-14T03:23:00.002-04:00

I have linked up with the blog Dancing Barefoot. The author, Lynette Kraft (She's a real writer, with a book & everything!), has started a "Getting to know You" event to help connect bloggers & spread the blooging love. From her site:

Well, most bloggers like to have friends. It's more fun to write when somebody is reading, right? Sometimes we stumble upon a blog and we say, "Where have you been all of my blogging life!" I do that sometimes too. So, here's what I'd like to do so that you can get some new visitors to check you out and you and the rest of us can find some new blogging friends that we will decide we can't live without.

I personally have just started on this blogging journey & am still finding my way. I am not really a writer but I definitely have a need to express myself. I am not sure that I have found a style yet. So far it is a bit like a journal. But it is very much a work in progress as I tend to learn as I go.
Check out Lynnette's blog (she has an amazing story to share) & link up!

My Friday the 13th

2009-03-14T02:34:00.006-04:00

Didn't have such a great day Friday...I had a fight with someone I dearly love, went to the doctor & had all my meds changed, went to the beach to try to get a handle on my emotions, took the kids shopping & then Lizzy to softball practice. In the midst of it all I caught a glance of myself in a mirror & really did not like what I saw. Not so sure where to go from here except to keep on surviving.

Just as I Am—Andrew Peterson

2009-03-13T00:00:00.001-04:00

So I have had this song playing over & over in my head. I want to say something profound about it, but I think it pretty much speaks for itself. The part that gets me every time?

All of my life
I've held on to this fear
Its thistles and vines
Ensnare and entwine
What flowers appeared

It's the fear that I'll fall
One too many times
It's the fear that His love
Is no better than mine

Can you say lack of trust? And minimizing God to my own limitations? But as the song continues:

Just as I am and just as I was
Just as I will be He loves me, He does
He showed me the day that He shed His own blood
He loves me, oh, He loves me, He does

I am so glad that God loves better than I do!

If you scroll down to the player at the bottom of this page, you can click on the song to hear it. Also, here is a link to the artist’s website.

Just As I Am

Andrew Peterson

What's that on the ground?
It's what's left of my heart
Somebody named Jesus
Took up the pieces
And planted the shards

And they're coming up green
They're coming in bloom
I can hardly believe
This is all coming true

Just as I am and just as I was
Just as I will be He loves me, He does
He showed me the day that He shed His own blood
He loves me, oh, He loves me, He does

All of my life
I've held on to this fear
Its thistles and vines
Ensnare and entwine
What flowers appeared

It's the fear that I'll fall
One too many times
It's the fear that His love
Is no better than mine
(but He says that)
Just as I am and just as I was
Just as I will be He loves me, He does
He showed me the day that He shed His own blood
He loves me, oh, He loves me, He does
He loves me, oh, He loves me, He does

It's time now to harvest
What little that grew
This man they call Jesus
Who planted the seeds
Has come for the fruit

And the best that I've got
Isn't nearly enough
He's glad for the crop
But it's me that He loves

Just as I am and just as I was
Just as I will be He loves me, He does
The same as the day that He shed His own blood
He loves me, oh, He loves me, He does
Just as I am and just as I was
Just as I will be He loves me, He does
The same as the day that He shed His own blood
He loves me, oh, He loves me, He does
He loves me, oh, He loves me,
He loves me, He does
He loves me, He does

Memory Monday: Jeremiah 9:23-24

2009-03-09T06:48:00.006-04:00

It is Memory Monday, hosted by Joanne at The Simple Wife. Each week, she memorizes a passage & then types it out by memory. I must admit, I had to go back & fix some bits & pieces after typing out the following:

For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak to shame the strong; God chose what is low & despised in the world, even things that are not to bring to nothing things that are so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of Him you are in Christ, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness & sanctification & redemption, so that, as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord." 1 Corinthians 1:26-31

For this week, I looked up the quote at the end of the 1 Corinthians passage & found this:

Thus says the Lord: “Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord.”Jeremiah 9:23-24

I generally don't tend to be a boastful person, but there are definitely times that I rely on my own devices. How much better to truly understand & rest in the Lord's gracious love. How I want to be a delight to Him!

Sports

2009-03-08T23:46:00.006-04:00

Yesterday was Opening Day for Little League in our community. Here is my youngest in his first-ever baseball uniform:

My oldest daughter played in a softball game at 11:30 and then went to play in the last basketball game of the Upward season. Pre-game photo:

My daughter is the one in the red shirt sleeves--her softball jersey. My husband is right next to her. He was her coach.

My younger daughter cheered for the basketball game. Here is her squad after the game:

She is in the bottom right-hand corner.

All-in-all, a pretty fabulous day!

Jason Gray--Brokenness

2009-03-05T03:56:00.005-05:00

One of my favorite artists & storytellers is Jason Gray. The Rabbit Room has a post about him with one of his songs & stories attached right now. The song is entitled,"The Reason Why You Brought Me Here" & a quote from the story (which is really funny--I've heard him tell it in concert myself) is as follows:

Sometimes brokenness is what heals others around us...The fruit of brokenness might be sweeter than the fruit of healing.

I encourage you to listen to both the song & the story. Both are from his CD, Acoustic Storytime, which can be purchased on his website. Or you can get them at iTunes. And if you ever get a chance to hear Jason play live, GO!

Bring the Rain--response

2009-03-04T03:33:00.005-05:00

Angie Smith wrote a beautiful post today. I posted a comment, but I wanted to add it here to remind myself of how I feel today. Read her post & the following comment might make sense. Or not. It doesn't matter. Just read it.

Angie~God has given you a gift to articulate the hearts of many of us. I would have loved to have written this this post because I have felt this way countless times. "God, I know you can handle the world & all, but what about my heart? I'm scared to tell anyone about me. Can You do it for me?" That was a child, a teenager, a scared young woman. It is me today. I have known & trusted God as long as I can remember anything. I count that an amazing gift. I have lived through an earthquake in a third-world country as a child, but I still have that feeling: Does my daily life matter to God? Now I live with bipolar 2 disorder, not knowing how I will feel & realizing that most of my dreams are not reachable. For what reason? Would I like it to go away? You bet. I know many of the the answers. I just don't get them. So I try to become like your Kate; like my precious children & just live in wonder at God.

Memory Monday: 1 Corinthians 1:26-31

2009-03-02T14:02:00.004-05:00

Memory Monday is hosted by Joanne at The Simple Wife. "Each Monday my goal is to pick a verse or passage to memorize for the upcoming week. And the next Monday, I'll type it out BY MEMORY and choose another one." Click the button above for more details.

My passage for this week...

For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, “Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.”
1 Corinthians 1:26-31

Can I be perfectly honest? I don't like the idea of being foolish in the eyes of the world. I hate being made fun of--it hurts. I do not like to be seen as weak by those who don't know me. And for goodness' sake, who wants to be despised? Then I remember: Jesus was "despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief," Isaiah 53:3. Wow. How humbling that is for me.

Get it yet?

2009-02-28T00:53:00.004-05:00

Edit: Another post on the same passage has been added below. This may become an ongoing project. 3/1/09 nm

Four times in last two days I have been confronted by this passage:

So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12: 7-10

Do I get it yet? Not completely. Might not ever. (Okay that's a little extreme, even for me.) But the following two posts gave me different perspectives. Check them out. Seriously. I think God's trying to teach me something.

truefaced.com
poutine
Through a Glass, Darkly

Thanks, y'all.

Ebenezer

2009-02-26T03:34:00.000-05:00

Lately I have been fighting inertia in my job. I start out okay, but I quickly lose focus and can't manage to get back on track. (I work from home.) So I have decided to take a stand.

You see, God has brought me through a lot to get to job I am in right now. (Might post about that at another time.) And I believe that He is asking me to honor Him by writing this as a reminder, a touchstone of sorts & to be honest, a kick in the pants to get on with it.

When the children of Israel found themselves rescued by God (again), they worshiped Him (again) and..."Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen and called its name Ebenezer; for he said, 'Till now the Lord has helped us.' (Ebenezer means stone of help.) 1 Samuel 7:12

Robert Robinson wrote the word to the hymn that quotes from this verse:
Come Thou Fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
Mount of God's unchanging love.

Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Hither by Thy help I'm come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let that grace now like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

So I am raising my Ebenezer. God has been my Help thus far & He IS faithful. He will never abandon me; I will not abandon the work He has called me to because of a wandering heart.

Crossroads

2009-02-24T03:17:00.000-05:00

I am at a crossroads. Somewhere I have found myself too many times (in my opinion) in my life. And I don't know that I have always taken the right path. I just know that I have so much more peace once I decide which path to choose. I wish that I knew how much longer the uncertainty is going to last this time. I am going to try, however, to enjoy the view while I wait.

Psalm 37

1 Fret not yourself because of evildoers;
be not envious of wrongdoers!
2 For they will soon fade like the grass
and wither like the green herb.

3 Trust in the Lord, and do good;
dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.
4 Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him, and he will act.
6 He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,
and your justice as the noonday.

7 Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;
fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way,
over the man who carries out evil devices!

8 Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath!
Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.
9 For the evildoers shall be cut off,
but those who wait for the Lord shall inherit the land.

10 In just a little while, the wicked will be no more;
though you look carefully at his place, he will not be there.
11 But the meek shall inherit the land
and delight themselves in abundant peace.

12 The wicked plots against the righteous
and gnashes his teeth at him,
13 but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
for he sees that his day is coming.

14 The wicked draw the sword and bend their bows
to bring down the poor and needy,
to slay those whose way is upright;
15 their sword shall enter their own heart,
and their bows shall be broken.

16 Better is the little that the righteous has
than the abundance of many wicked.
17 For the arms of the wicked shall be broken,
but the Lord upholds the righteous.

18 The Lord knows the days of the blameless,
and their heritage will remain forever;
19 they are not put to shame in evil times;
in the days of famine they have abundance.

20 But the wicked will perish;
the enemies of the Lord are like the glory of the pastures;
they vanish—like smoke they vanish away.

21 The wicked borrows but does not pay back,
but the righteous is generous and gives;
22 for those blessed by the Lord shall inherit the land,
but those cursed by him shall be cut off.

23 The steps of a man are established by the Lord,
when he delights in his way;
24 though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong,
for the Lord upholds his hand.

25 I have been young, and now am old,
yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken
or his children begging for bread.
26 He is ever lending generously,
and his children become a blessing.

27 Turn away from evil and do good;
so shall you dwell forever.
28 For the Lord loves justice;
he will not forsake his saints.
They are preserved forever,
but the children of the wicked shall be cut off.
29 The righteous shall inherit the land
and dwell upon it forever.

30 The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom,
and his tongue speaks justice.
31 The law of his God is in his heart;
his steps do not slip.

32 The wicked watches for the righteous
and seeks to put him to death.
33 The Lord will not abandon him to his power
or let him be condemned when he is brought to trial.

34 Wait for the Lord and keep his way,
and he will exalt you to inherit the land;
you will look on when the wicked are cut off.

35 I have seen a wicked, ruthless man,
spreading himself like a green laurel tree.
36 But he passed away, and behold, he was no more;
though I sought him, he could not be found.

37 Mark the blameless and behold the upright,
for there is a future for the man of peace.
38 But transgressors shall be altogether destroyed;
the future of the wicked shall be cut off.

39 The salvation of the righteous is from the Lord;
he is their stronghold in the time of trouble.
40 The Lord helps them and delivers them;
he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
because they take refuge in him.

Slumber Party? NOT!

2009-02-22T02:21:00.000-05:00

What a night! My oldest daughter had 7 friends over last night for her birthday slumber party. Most of it was fun: pizza, presents, cake, noise, games (DDR, Apples to Apples, Yahtzee Turbo), movie, noise. (Did I mention NOISE?) Most of them settled down between midnight & 1 a.m. I was prepared for that. But when I was still hearing loud talking/laughter at 2 a.m.from a couple of them I had to get mean so I could go to sleep. Sheesh. I thought for sure they would sleep in this morning, but, NO, I woke at 7 a.m. to hear little girls up & playing DDR (Dance Dance Revolution). At that point, my husband started snoring & I was unable to go back to sleep so I did something crazy. I took a pillow & a blanket & went into my closet, which is on the other side of my bathroom. That way I was able to close 3 doors between me & the party. The closet is big enough to fit a small bed into, so no problem laying down. The best part? No one could find me! Hee, hee! And I got to sleep for another 3 hours. Another party for daughter #2 in April? Not so sure at this point...I'll let you know later.

Growing Up

2009-02-18T00:37:00.000-05:00

Strange...I thought I would have so many things to write about, but every time I sit down to do this, I wonder if the things I want to put down are too personal & then I wonder about the wisdom of blogging at all. Hmmm...
I had parent-teacher conferences with my 2 younger children's teachers today. They were more like visits because, truth be told, I really like my kids' teachers & they are fun to talk to. Both of them are doing great in school, so there was nothing serious to discuss. I can't believe they are half-way through the 3rd quarter of school already. I wish I had a chance to talk to my oldest child's teachers without making a big deal of it all. But she is in middle school & they don't schedule regular conferences for them. Part of the price for your kids growing older.
Speaking of which, I took said middle-schooler to get her ears pierced yesterday as a birthday present. One of the girliest things she ever done. This weekend is her slumber party with seven 11-13 year-olds. I hope I survive.
My youngest lost another tooth this morning at school & got to bring it home in a little plastic treasure box--BIG DEAL for him. Now he is in the 'I-have-no-front-teeth club'. Cute.
They are growing up. I love it. I treasure it. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Positive Post Tuesday

2009-02-10T00:20:00.000-05:00

This idea comes via Annie Blogs: Write about something or somebody positive. Fairly simple, huh? Except where to start? See, I'm not really a writer. I just want to capture a few thoughts here & there. If you must know, I'm a mathematician. I think in equations & in logic. (I can't believe I just said that. Because now everything I write will inevitably sound completely illogical.) But I digress. Positively. So here goes:

In middle school I ran track along with lots of other girls. I was a good runner, but not great. Apparently something about my attitude (and maybe my running ability) showed my coach that I was willing to work a little harder than most, though, because one day after we all ran the bleachers, he said that everyone could head in except for me & one other girl. He told us to run 5 more laps before we went in. Most of the girls looked at us like, "What have YOU done?" but I knew that I had not done anything wrong. Completely the opposite, in fact. I knew that it was a compliment. My coach didn't have to say anything. He knew that he could ask me to go the extra distance without question. It felt good to know that someone saw that kind of potential & loyalty in me.

Not that I became a track star. Because I didn't. But that day I saw that I could work for work's sake; for the reward of knowing that I could try hard & feel good about it. It didn't matter that my peers thought I was nuts to keep running for what they thought was no good reason. Somebody whom I looked up to believed in me for that moment. What an amazing feeling for that 12 year-old girl.

Upward Basketball

2009-01-31T21:24:00.000-05:00

The girls had Upward basketball today--Lizzie plays on a team & Emey cheers. Hubby coaches Lizzie's team & one of my nephews is on his team as well. It has been exciting to watch all the players & cheerleaders progress--this was their 3rd week of games. Lizzie actually took about 5 shots today as opposed to the 1 or 2 she took in her 1st game. She even got a little ticked at the end of the game when one of the guys on her team took a shot while she was more open than he was--AND she let him know it! (heh, heh) The best part for her has been the conditioning. She was so winded & red at the end of the 1st game; today she looked & sounded much better. I think she will be shocked during softball season at how much better her body responds, especially in running the bases.
Emey was absolutely adorable (as usual) cheering. She is the youngest & I think the smallest on her squad, but she keeps up really well. The memorization of the chants & movements is challenging her in a way she has not experienced either in school or in sports. Next week they are supposed to do a pom routine; I cannot WAIT to see it! Most important of all, Em is really enjoying herself. It shows all over her & I just love that. smile.

Dinnertime

2009-01-29T22:05:00.000-05:00

I had a really fun dinner with my kids tonight. If you knew me you would know that having dinner together is a fairly rare event for us. Not something I'm proud of, but anyway... We didn't have anything amazingly great to eat, just baked potatoes with toppings, but the kids don't seem to mind what we have. They just enjoy sitting down together. We talked about school, mostly. Lizzie likes to tell me about school class-by-class. Emey loves the fact that she has privileges galore in her class. But tonight I wanted to talk about Joshie. He is a first-grader. And my son has 'issues' with anything that involves group activities/competition in which others can see his self-perceived failures. Usually this problem rears its ugly head during P.E. Someone will tell him he's no good at a game & rather than stick with the it, he will run off & hide. Or he will quit if he doesn't think a game is being played fairly. We have tried before to address this issue but he doesn't like to talk about it. Tonight I asked his sisters to tell him if they ever get made fun of at school (they do) & explain how they deal with it. Both girls said that they have learned not to take it seriously. They either turn it into a joke or ignore it. I honestly don't think those options had ever occurred to Joshie before. He seemed intrigued. I know that's not the end of this story, but it's a start.
After a few minutes of semi-serious discussion, the 'conversation' dissolved into general silliness, which generally reigns around here. And I'm glad of that. I enjoy my children.

nutmeg?

2009-01-28T21:21:00.000-05:00

I know, I know. You would think that with a name like nutmeg, this blog would be about cooking. But it's not. Maybe someday an explanation will show up. But for now, it was the best I could come up with for a blog name. I don't necessarily work well under pressure. I used to. Like when I was in high school & I waited until the last minute to do a term paper & I cranked a final draft out the night before it was due. Those days are long gone, though. Now I am doing good to get through a day dressed, clean & half-way sane. (And that was only kind of a joke.)
I honestly don't know what this blog is going to be all about. I realize that there are a million of these in cyber space. I read about ten of them regularly. I am not, by nature, a writer. But I do have thoughts that I don't get a chance to share with anyone & maybe, just maybe I will connect with someone. I just hope that I won't have a nervous breakdown since I'm a bit thin-skinned & comments/no comments could kill me. I guess it will be an interesting experiment.